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–           Ak… what?  who?

–           Akmal Saleh.

–           Never heard of him.  Like Aiden, huh?  Imagining again?  You’re losing it, Feralbulb, we must stop our performance, right here, right now.

–           If you must know Aiden is the writer behind ‘Cut-the-crap-out-of-movie-reviews’ and he’s bloody damn good at what he does.  As to Akbal, I recently sent you to Australia and you didn’t even bother looking up the comedians down there, did you?

–           I went all around the country, it was beautiful and—

–           —and you didn’t even think of bringing some proper fodder for this celebrities’ tarot show, DID YOU?  Akmal belongs to the fauna, flora and fuckingly funny people of Australia.

–           Watch your language.  How do you know about him?

–           I met him in the street in Newtown once.

–           You—

–           —That’s where I go when I get pissed off with you and I need a break.  I take the plane, even if just for a week and I land in Sydney because that’s where all my friends are and it’s a place I’d like to retire some day.

–           I can’t believe it…  No wonder we’ve no money.

–           Now you know.

–           Are you having a mid-life crisis?

–           Fuck, Rosie, no.  Now, since you ever so considerately asked about Akmal, you ought to know that he is originally from Egypt and emigrated to Australia when he was young.  He’s born in 1964 and must be an Aries cross Leo because he’s so spontaneous and loves to shine.

–           He’s not famous enough to be on our show.

–           He’s as famous as can get in Australia and abroad which is far more than you’ll ever be Rosie.  He deserves all the exposure he can get whereas you’re out of here.  See that door Rosie?  Fuck the hell out of here!

–           Right.  Now, where were we?  Akbal, oh yes, my friend.  Here it comes:

Dear Akmal,

It is strongly indicated that your life is currently, or about to, undergo numerous changes.  There are strong indications that you are required/need to travel a lot to get more exposure and get to those shows that are the ‘cherry on top of the cake’ as far as you’re concerned.  Some actors go to Hollywood, you wish and try to get to the best of best out of comedian shows.  You are in demand.  People want you everywhere and there are important choices to be made because you need to be organised and of course you also need to look after yourself.  There are many roads and venues to choose from and there are times you wish you could just put your feet on the tea table, lie on that couch and watch some comedy on TV and eat popcorns all day for a week.  That’s you.  Problem is that your audience wants to do the same and you need to go behind that screen for them.

I feel so much energy around you.  That is where you need to be careful and you know it, you have so much energy that you forget your body needs to rest.  Your mind goes on and on and on and your mouth blurts it all out… we love you for it but you need to think of your body as something you love to look after – say some diamond or piece of jewellery that shines and needs careful and regular polish to have it shine at its best (I say this because I don’t feel cars are your thing, nor is jewellery, but I give jewellery as an example because you love all that shines and sparkles…)  say you shine on stage but it’s lots of work to get the best shine, right?  Well your body needs as much work and polish as the shine that comes off you when you perform.

It is indicated that you are a lovely, loyal and trusting man and that you absolutely loathe hurting people close to you – despite your external appearances as someone who loves to stir things up.  I mean also that even when things around you are tough and friends or family are fighting, you act as a very spirited and insightful man, a man of peace and just as much as you love to be the mad Akmal we know on stage, you’re the sweetest and most gentle soul.  When you’re hurt, you never show it – is that true?  C’mon Akmal, you ought to open your hurt feelings at times… it’s good for you… to let it out and get over it… you know that.  Such pride, such sensitivity…

Akmal, I don’t like to talk in mushy-mushy emotional tones but you are a man of peace and you are strongly protected by the sky, the departed, the gods, the lions, the worms, dust and all the nothingness of it all and whatever else spiritual or earthly that you might believe in.

You dislike feeling defeated.  ‘Don’t we all?’ I hear you say.  It’s more than that, you dislike the idea that people might act defeated or that when things are tough people get low and miserable whereas you believe that using one’s brain and ability to think is all that one needs to make things feel happy.  It’s like unhappiness is a weakness for you.  But Akmal, like I said above somewhere, it’s ok to have downers and to feel small, rejected and worse.  There’s no shame to be had, it happens to all of us and… I reiterate this point: you ought to reveal that ‘primal scream’ out here – when it feels that way – to your close ones, it’ d help you recover, trust me…  not that Rosie is a reference to go by when it comes to ‘close ones’ as far as I’m concerned, but that’s my problem, ain’t it? – what I’m trying to say here is that you have plenty a soul you can offload your dark moments to – unlike some – so take advantage of this fortunate position you’re in.

You want to see people laughing all the time and you’re always watching behind you that what you’re doing is bearing its fruits.  You like to move forward and lead.  ‘Watch me and follow, it’s fun and there’s much to be gained’ that’s kind of your motto.  You wish people would be more open in the way they talk and say things and not take everything so seriously.  You love sarcasm, irrelevance, irreverence and stir people into thinking anything for the sake of it and making them react.  It’s stronger than you.  Ah controversy… a word you’re in love with.  Yes sometimes people just think you’ve gone too far and you’re lacking respect.  But what the fuck?  It’s good to let it all out on stage and trust that not everyone is going to believe everything you’re saying.  You make me think of Robbie Coltrane in ‘Cracker’ I think it was where the taxi driver says to him something like : “did you see the no smoking sign?” and Robbie continues lighting up his cigarette and retorts “is this a rethorical question?”

You come from a past that shows lots of work: your family working away and no money coming in, then you chipping away at your craft.  Also, there were grey areas: much heartache.  It’s no longer hurting you but it’s always here present in your heart as a memory that life can be very painful and that as far as you’re concerned, it always to do with your heart and how you feel.  You keep the old pain in your heart: it makes you move forward and never forget.  You’re so sensitive: you’re psychic and if you started reading cards for fun, you’d find you’re be predicting events without realising it, thinking you’re inventing things for a laugh when you wouldn’t be.  Be careful about it my friend:)

Strangely, it feels like you dream a lot and that sometimes you have nightmares.  You never take them seriously and you dismiss your dreams but it is indicated that it would be good for you to think and analyse your dreams to incorporate the feelings they bring into your daily life and into your acting.  There is much to be gained from self-knowledge, even if it feels a little too esoteric for you.  It would help you being more creative than you think – trust me Akbal.  Yeah right, I’m no comedian but this is my point: I’m a fucking psychic like it or not.

You have to your advantage the fact that ‘the world is your oyster’.  I.e., you have much freedom to act and you can rest (at times) to ponder what next and how to get out there and bring more fun to the world.  You don’t feel the need to be constantly home (unless it’s for popcorns, a couch, a TV and some good comedy show) and you love to travel.  There are places you’ve never been to.  I see thistles…  I’m thinking the Edinburgh fringe festival… Have you been there?  You are certainly considering that part of the world.  Well, the Scots are so much fun.  They’d love you.  Go conquer the whole of Britain, mate.  We know that by now even the Queen of England is kind of tolerant (I mean, you saw how she greeted James Bond, didn’t you?) and there’s nothing like competing with the likes of Mr. Bean, John Cleese, Billy Connolly, Frankie Boyle, all of them lot and more.  So go for it Mr Akbal Peter Saleh!

Well, I’ve said this before to Ripley: tune in into your intuition Mr. Akbal.  It’s very
strong and if you’re willing to accept that it’s here, you can even bring it on stage and make a show of it.  People will be amazed.  I mean, ask your audience (I’ve never seen you on show, only in Newtown on the pavement, walking or on Good News Week which isn’t available here in this infuriatingly dead boring country – here in Switzerland) to ask you to improvise (if you don’t already), but more improvisation is the key to you for now, aside you’re prepared craft.  Coming up with the unexpected and surprisingly funny improvised comments is your Ace card… at least this is how I feel about it Mr. Akbal.

I think it’s funny how intuitive people can be, naturally, especially actors, comedians, musicians, writers, etc. and how big the percentage of them who deny it and unwilling to see it.  Not that I have collected any scientific data about it, but I’m quite sure Rosie could prove it if I asked her, not that I will at the moment.

Well, it’s wrap-up time.  Hope you enjoyed this, Mr. Saleh.  Keep in touch, will ya now?

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