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–           Your ending with Marion Cotillard was pathetic.  You broke every single rule there is to psychic readings and made Marion feel like she was being lied to.  Not only that, you humiliated Peter Jackson to the chore with your sarcasms.

–           Trust you to get offended, Sis.

–           We might as well wrap up, I’ve had enough of having to be part of your mad inconsistent ways.

The fun part of the readings begins with me.  Soon you’re gonna be rich thanks to me because sooner or later I will be paid by the celebrities to read their cards because they’ll think of it as fun and helpful, whereas you—

–           —I’m really considering doing this on my own.

–           Suit yourself Rosie, I’ll manage renting the stage without you if needs be but in the meantime I suggest you get out of here as fast as you can or else…

–           Else?

–           FUCK OFF.  It’s time for today’s reading anyway.  We’re doing Anthony Kiedis, the rock’n roller of the past 3 decades, an almighty guy, an almighty singer, someone of my liking: wild, passionate and always bare chested.

Dear Anthony,

Well man.  You’re da man, so your reading is going to be based on that fact only I’m afraid.  But don’t be scared, Rosie’s got no clue and as unethical a read as this shall be, I can assure you you’re going to enjoy it.  Why?  Because what transpires is that what mostly interests you right now (did and will forever) are women; you and your woes with women.

Because, Mate… you’re at a cross-road with them – nothing new?  Well yes it is different this time.  What can I do?  What can I say?  You’re only too aware of your problems with women and you know where you stand.  All I can do is refer you to that now old but very pertinent song back in 1999: “A little bit of Monica’ by Lou Bega, Mambo no 5.  That’s you.  You love Geraldine for her brains, you love Clarissa for her heart, you love Kate for her tattoos, you love Audrey for the tip of her toe nails, and the list goes on.

Currently, your dominatrix is that woman who looks like she has the biggest heart on the planet except she hides a very sharp mind with it which she doesn’t show you and on and on goes the battle for what she wants…: YOU (smart as can be that one, knows exactly how big her heart is and how big it can appear to be – hey, no offence meant… she does love you anyways so rest assured).  Interestingly, the cards do indicate that just like you gave up on drugs some time back now, for the sheer love of Buster (so they say but I’d do it for my old dog of a sis too [say the cops would have to be on my trail])… anyways… the cards show that you’re no longer willing to give in to your basic instincts and that you wish to make way for this new, lovely emotional you (just like Obama).  You’re in for it, Mate.  Is it age?  Is it experience?  Is it mid-life crisis big time?  You’re no longer wanting to be the cold-hearted bloke who picks up women for a night, a month, a few years and then…  And this is what scares your current new partner: you’re letting go of her sometime soon or sooner.  She’s in a quandary as to what to believe, you or what she maintains is her gut instinct, she’s scared shitless of being hurt.  Yep.  However, she’s strong and if the conditions are right and ripe (up to you to act to her taste – don’t worry, she’ll verbalise what she wants nicely), then give in to her desires and with this lady, things might last forever and ever and ever and ever.  Just like in ‘Walk the Line’ or in Shrek.

Now, I need to know: what kind of flowers are you going to grow in your backyard?  Remember, I’m growing old too (I’m two years older than you and no bloody damn Scorpio) but I don’t give up on my wants so easily; I’d say even less now than when I was younger so don’t you give up on your wants for the sake of your old age because the time hasn’t come yet.  What are you going to do if the Chilling Pepperonis were going to cool it down for a while?  O! Mate! You’re fucking gifted remember?  You can work in a studio, manage new bands, teach, don’t you ask me… you’ve got too much imagination for me anyways… you’ll find out soon, just let me know.

Ah.  So you think you might not shine any more.  So you believe you’ve lost your ‘it’ factor and your instinct for good times, goofy fun and never ending partying.  In the name of love?  You’d give it all up for a woman? For a life incognito, the Julian Assange way?  Or take refuge in a Syrian embassy for the sake of personal peace? Nah, Mate.  Nope.  No way.

Gotta laugh.  You’re that unbelievable, Mate.  You fear losing all that sparkling, bubbly life of an ageing God to love, freedom and the best weeding – oops, wedding – you’ll ever have (like that of the Queen of England and James Bond).

You don’t want no more surprises?  Mate!  No more spontaneity?  Hey!  Wake up, Man.  WAKE, TONY.  Wake up, Dude, Mate, Man.  C’mon.

Your past isn’t catching up with you.  You won’t lose it all to stupidity even if you’ve acted idiotically in the past and under any influence that might have been and even if you’ve partied till death ensued.  You’re clever, Man, you got brains so don’t you doubt yourself like that, you give me the chills.  It’s the middle of summer so please don’t do this, Man.  You’re in love: enjoy it but don’t it let get to you and give up everything else for fear you might not be able to mix and match, because let me tell you that you’ve got the mistakes of your past at the forefront of your mind and therefore you’ll always be aware of them bad bits and you won’t err on the wrong side again.  Believe me.  I know you.  We all go through our own shit and hell and recover (most of us willing to), and that includes you.  Forgive yourself, move on and don’t go all black and white on us.  Besides, I’m yet to come to one of your concerts.

Right now, you need to look at what you’ve achieved in a positive light.  Ignore the bits you regret because there’s no regret to be had, such is life, capitto, Tony?  You’re terrified of threading that path and you feel blind.  I’ll tell you what.  If you’re that blind, follow what you feel deep, deep down yourself, follow the trail of water.  When you see water, think of what I’m telling you right now and right here: take a mental snapshot of what you’re thinking at that very moment and follow that trail and none other.

Remember Don Juan and Casanova?  You were them.  You won’t do it again.  Not now, never again.  And you will achieve that family life/home happiness you’ve dreamed off all your life and that you’ve never quite had.  ‘Si, si’, like they say here, I assure you.  You won’t lose track of your heart wandering ways and you won’t lose all your friends and fortune before you’ve departed (and that’ll be in a long time from now…).  It’s good you keep those past mistakes in your head, they will lead you on the desired path (your desired path) – that of a racing and winning horse – even if that horse is getting on a bit – just like Brad Pitt would do if he were a singer competing for the Eurovision contest, know what I mean?  It’s only a clear and fair comparison.

Fuck, Mate!  Don’t let it all get to you like that or I’m gonna cry.  Keep to yourself, don’t let your inner feminine side take over or you run the risk of becoming a dotting grand-dad playing horsey for grand-children who are not even yours, for the sake of retiring in peace and growing a vegetable patch incognito.  Give me a tissue, give me a tear and then pass me the unlit cigarette.  O.  And there’s something else: you’re to let your intuition come to the surface – you all do this you people at the forefront of your art: you shut it out for reasons I can’t explain… perhaps you get confused by the numerous messages from beyond?  Tell me.  As to your now defunct (or so you seem to think) generosity and all that you use to dream but don’t dare dreaming of any longer… I’ve got news for you: you’ve got other ambitions in life which you think are too late to attend to… not true, Mate.  Just reconsider, reorganise and rearrange.  You’ll fit it all in.  You’ll be fine.  I know, been there done that, trust me, Dude.

Of course you’ll write new songs.  I know for a fact that your next one will be about changes, life changes, about money, about your son yet to come and that gorgeous lettuce you’ll plant in your new vegetable patch.  Good luck, Man.

Any questions come back to me before next week’s new blog.  But for now, you owe me a front row ticket, Mate.