So how’s everyone today? You ready to listen to my regular rant? Good. There’s still no Rosie about and the road is wide and free. Today, we’re looking at Robbie Coltrane, also known as Anthony Robert McMillan (what the fuck is this for a name, Sir Coltrane?) – o all righty, a little respect, it wasn’t your choosing, right? Besides, what kind of mother would call their child ‘Feralbulb’?
Now, Sir Robbie, Dear,
It feels as if you’ve just gone through an exhausting time that brought your thoughts to a standstill. There was no energy left… Boy. This isn’t like you if I may say so, Sir? It’s all good though as life brings constant change and you recover thanks to your positive thinking.
It feels as if you need to have your thoughts be framed within a philosophical mind or else you don’t react to the worlds as well as you can. You like to discover new things all the time, and if you weren’t an incredible Aries (you’re born 30 March 1950), I’d believe you’re an Aquarian, but that’s another story. It definitely feels as if your lady partner would like to take you abroad. She knows you love change in your life, constantly, and she knows and I know you’re always at your best when discovering new things, new people, new worlds. She wants to go and see elephants in the desert or wherever elephants can be found and or the desert or both. Smart one, that wife of yours, I could do with one like her… I asked Whoopi to marry me last week – have you met her? – but I don’t think my reading of her has found any resonance in her yet… may be one day, there’s nothing like faith and hope, isn’t that right, Eddie?
Look, it also feels as if you’ve just signed some new fantastic contract that is very exciting for you and you can’t wait for that new TV series to begin (I feel this may be some mix & match of your old Cracker series with John Simm’s in ‘Life on Mars’). It is also indicated that you’ll enjoy having the opportunity to exchange ideas, write, produce and direct in that series and there’s nothing more satisfying for you to let your creative side go wild. On a slightly more strained note, it feels also that one of your children is a little low in moods and/or that you wish you could spend more time with that child. Currently, that child is considering travelling. At the same time, this also means you wish you were younger, had more energy and wish you could embrace doing all the things you could do. Hey, Robbie, don’t despair… we all go through this remember? You’re also far from crumbling nor have you got one foot into the grave. Just pace yourself, Eddie, man. O’course we can’t do it all anymore but who says one can unless one uses drugs? Ach, such is the world. Pace yourself. Hire a coach, hire a cook, hire a thinker – hey… hire me if you must – just listen to the music and to your wife. How the fuck can we manage to handle it all these days anyway? O man, I know.
O, to think you’ve played a man of my tremendous liking, a true man, a binge drinker, useless yet useful, stupid yet brilliant. You had more disorders within you than I can muster in real life and God knows I don’t have to try. I agree, bugger the bastards and live life for what it is: nothing much without family and cash and cash you will always have.
– Huh? ROSIE!
– I heard you.
– Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a reading, Sis?
– You’re on to a very bad start. Remember this man?
– Fuck, Rosie! Yes I remember that fucking cop. What’s he doing here? Can we do this later?
– Feralbulb, nice to see you again. Remember me, Fred Bingo?
– Yeah… Fred Bingo aka Cop Watnot, I remember. Look, I’m busy.
– He’s Astro-cop now, Feralbulb.
– All right, as soon as you’re finished with Sir Coltrane The Great, you’ll have some explaining to do…
– Likewise, Sis. Now, if you’ll please, fuck off!
Right, sorry Fritzy, Sir, you know what it is to have exasperating and frustrated siblings don’t you? Sorry about this.
Hey, Robbie, Man. Look at what you have, look at what you still have. Much bridge under da water… Dat’s life.
– Feralbulb, drop the stupid Jamaican accent, will you!
– FUCK OFF OFF OFF OFF SIS!!!!! – it was a French one by the way…
Look Fritz, Sir, I don’t know why but it looks like you’re grieving the loss of family and friends… through various events: people leaving to go away for good, people departing this world (I’m sorry, but it’s life isn’t it?), and people fighting with you in a way reminiscent of the best Greek tragedies. This has hurt you deeply and is still doing so. Hey Robbie, Sir, it’s not the end of the world. It feels as if it gets harder to handle as we grow older but it’s not true, our heart gets bigger, that’s all. Listen to your wife, she wants to and can make it better for you… besides, she’s not Barrack Obama, she has no huge decimating population to look after even if you’re a fair size. Listen, Man, look up, Sir, you Fritzy-from-the-Castle-Above.
Robbie, mate, you’ve reached a stage where you even fear the all-powerfulness of your wife’s loving ways. Her heart is big, huge, incredibly strong and you fear letting her in on your currently troubled mind (I mean worried mind) and you love her so much you don’t want her to lose her balance on your account. Man, Rosie could do with a man like you by her side. But your wife is mentally stable even if she’s not always inspired. Consider yourself lucky, Sir. Have you noticed how mad me sister is? Your wife isn’t … far from it… she’s just a loving wife who refuses to think only with her head or even to use her head to think, she just uses her heart. HER HEART!! Hear me Hagrid, Sir? You fucking lucky man to have been bestowed with such wife… she’s rich too – I mean she’s rich with knowledge and spirit so listen to her, open your door and let her in because of all people, SHE can help you.
Ok, now, you wish for more spontaneity and surprises in your life. You don’t like it when all is so fucking well organised and laid out in a way where there’s nothing left open to the imagination. You’re a passionate man. You need renewal, change, opportunities,… I get you, Man. Hey, listen now… we all get frustrated and impatient at times. Don’t beat yourself up for it.
You come from a place where you’ve had to fight to make your mark and what got you there are your unmistakably good brains and energy. Then, in those days, you didn’t leave much open to spontaneity, it was all hard work. Hard work, more hard work and more again. All was planned and the competition was fierce. But look at what you’ve achieved. And you’re in lucky country… Britain is the only country that uses numerous aging actors and actresses to great effect and to the satisfaction of absolutely everyone (I’ve mentioned that before).
Right now, it is indicated, it is pressing that you forget about home a little and that you create your own opportunities. Once you do the latter, opportunities will come knocking at your door if they aren’t already here. Stop moping like this, you’re not 92 and still, if you were, you’d have to show the younger generation you still have it. Besides, you’re not wheelchair bound or handicapped in some way so get up and go, do your own thing. Procrastinating is only good for those of us who have too much time on their hands and who has too much time to waste like that, huh? Well, not you, not me.
You’ve a great power of imagination. Let it out… don’t think about the finance that could go with it and don’t think of improving your celebrity status, just do it because you enjoy it, you shine to me, you shine to all and your star isn’t about to wane. We want more bits of you out there, c’mon.
Please, I’ve got a special request for, Sir Coltrane, we’re not getting many TV channels in this area, at this stage (and believe me, we’re supposed to live in fucking civilised country – even if retarded in many ways), could you ask the BBC Entertainment to put on new series instead of repeating same old same old as time goes on… perhaps you could take over their management, I’ve no doubt it would help greatly. Sorry, now for the interference.
I suggest you write a book or write plays or new series and travel whilst doing this, this is when you’d be at your most creative.
Aaah. Lovely, Mister, just lovely. The last cards drawn are pretty much revealing that you’ve got the power still and the imagination – as I mentioned earlier – to create all those things you haven’t yet put on show somehow, be it in books, cartoons, plays, series, movies, etc. I see you knitting. Yes I do, Eddie. This means that despite the size of your fingers – no offense meant, read on to understand – that despite the awkwardness you feel at present, you can still create events that fit everyone’s idea of what fun should be. You can understand, perceive and conceptualise what you have in your head to create entertainment, because that’s what you’re all about Mr McMillan. Also, even though I advised you to travel to be more creative, the cards also show that your being in the vicinity of castles inspires you… to be more specific, Edinburgh castle, because you love the bagpipes, they’re in your blood.
Lastly, your next work of art to come out will be, I feel, about a King – you’ll be that king – who dabs into magic and gets more than he expected as he travels through time and finds himself trying desperately to get back to his time but never quite making it and learning new things along the way. It’d be a comedy and you’d make it very funny. You might have me come and see one of the episodes being filmed and I could show you the West side of wee bonnie Scotland as Rosie was married to a Scotsman once (yes he wore a kilt at the wedding, but the tradition isn’t that much fun anymore, what, with climate change there’s no longer enough wind in Scotland) and—
– Yes, Sis. I’m almost finished.
Now, Great to have met you Fitz, Sir. Keep in touch will you?
– Curtains down please – bye folks, bye Sir Fritz, good to have talked to you!!!