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–                 YO! FOLKS!  Today we’re going to explore the meandering and convoluted mind of one fuckingly funny lady writer.  Her name is Fay Weldon and to those of you who don’t know her, well, what the fuck are you waiting for?

–                 FERALBULB!

–                 ASTROCOP! ROSIE!

–                 I arrest thee on the count of taking us as your hostages, locking us up and keeping us prisoners against our will.

–                 Your life’s over, brother!

–                 It’s impossible! You can’t have escaped!  You… You’re mere projections of my imagination!  That’s it.  You’re not real.

–                 Boy, we’re more than just real, Feralbulb.  Let me show you.

–                 Leave me alone Copwatnot! Get away from me!  Don’t take me back to the asylum or I’ll never make it back out.

–                 Don’t you worry, Bro, Astro-Cop and I have thought of everything.  You’re going exactly where you had us, spaghetti and all.

–                 Only I know how to escape from there.

–                 You’re kidding me.

–                 How did you do it?  Gimme a clue.

–                 The TV.

–                 Huh?

–                 Particles.

–                 Of course, I get it: psychic particles and TV particles mixed up somehow.  I’ll work it out.

–                 Tell me, Feralbulb.  How does a 5th generation mobile phone work?

–                 Err..

–                 A first generation mobile phone?  A 1979 TV?

–                 Err…

–                 I rest my case.  Lock him up, Astrocop!  He’s no longer needed here.

–                 You’re not funny, Rosie, my celebrities and my readers will leave me.  They will ABANDON US, THEY’LL NEVER COME BACK, ALL THAT BECAUSE OF YOUR FUCKING DUMB STUPIDITY, SISTER, I—

–                 —Ladies & Gentlemen, my brother is now locked up in the kitchen.  Rest assured your readings will now meet the best quality that can be.

Dearest Fay,

Well, here it goes Ms Weldon.  You’re a Libran, being born on 22 September 1931

Now, drawing the first cards, we’ve got to focus on the fact that for you, there’s never any point in life in taking anything for granted for just when that happens, everything seems to get thrown in all four directions and it all gets into a shamble again…  you get my gist and if you don’t know yet, then you soon will.

Let us see some other aspects of your life at the moment: we both know that ‘true’ as in true love, is forever debatable.

You would be well advised to protect yourself and get the best accountant there is around as, given your propensity to ignore money matters and to dismiss money as something you can ignore for the remainder of your life, things could be turning in an unpleasant way.  Not that you’ll ever be without, just that there are characters around you, and I’m talking of a man in particular, who need a lesson or two and you shouldn’t let him the free reigns as far as your finance is concerned.  It’s like what you want and what you believe are two very different things at this point in time of your life.  So Ms Weldon, if it isn’t for you, then for the sake of women all around the world, be an example for us all, and show some level of care for what is yours.

The current issue in your life has to do mainly with the fact that you are not willing or wanting to see what’s going on around you.  You’ve got the blinkers on big way, Fay.  Worse, whatever there is at stake here, you don’t want to act on it and/or to defend your rights in any way.  You do care so what’s up Ms Weldon?  This isn’t a fair game you’re playing with yourself right now.  Should I be getting Feralbulb to put you back in your place like no one else does?  All right, all right.  He’s useless and out of reach anyway.  So YOU LISTEN TO ME, right Fay?  And sorry if even I have to be that blunt.

Hmmm, it is easy to say that there is this powerful man around you, close, so close to you emotionally that there are no reasons why you should be looking past him, right? Wrong.  Yes, I hear you, he stimulates your imagination, makes you dream of things you’ve never dreamed of before, inspires you like never before yet…  his moods reverberate on you in not such a positive way as you care to believe.  You ARE your own person, remember?  No man can ever own you.  They can just about influence you one way or another, but they CAN’T change you RIGHT Ms Weldon?  No they can’t.  You’re the strongest, one of the women I admire most; don’t let me down, please, please.  Think of all the Susan Sarandons of this world, all the Whoopi Goldbergs…  I know, I remember, I respect your heart, it has the right to love the way it wants and no matter what, but happy ending fairy tales don’t exist, right?  Nothing’s that black and white… You’ve said it and proved it so many times before…  Fair enough, that man makes you travel in your mind further than ever before.  Get a grip back.  Men aren’t worth the trouble and you and I know it.  Look at it this way: the men I was married to were, and probably still would be, willing to pay me to get off their lives… With you, it’s the opposite: men might attempts to help themselves with what you’ve accumulated through hard and loving labour.  Don’t let them.

You hope inspiration will never leave you, you hope you don’t have to go away, nor other people around you and that your life will now remain the same, settled and in a happy routine.  You hope you won’t lose all to nothing…  you love the people around you.  You couldn’t cope with yet another life changing event… so you keep telling yourself.  But you’re strong Ms Weldon, you can cope with anything and just as much now as before.

You are a generous woman with love oozing out of you through every inch of your body only to renew itself within you.  At a younger age, you were surrounded by lovely women, your mother for one and then possibly a few sisters or excellent lady friends.  You’ve learned how to count on women and be a sis to us all like no other, despite your book shelf sarcasm.  You’ve never really looked at love as ‘true love’ or as a particularly romantic event, making yourself known as the biggest hearted feminist of all, even if that was never totally put down in this way… forgive myself for saying so, this comes out of Feralbulb’s influence at its worst.

You are required to stop looking behind your back for other writers who might catch up with your train of thoughts and with the way you see things.  No one will ever catch up with you, you’ve always been ahead of your time and it’s never going to change, so take heart and do your work without fear.  Yes of course the young and powerful feel like they’re competing… but they just can’t.  They look bigger and more threatening than they really are.  Take my word for what it is here: honest.  Instead, look ahead of you, not behind, and take a few trips for fun.  Also, look inside yourself again and as your own intuition knows best, look for the dear messages it brings you and be inspired, be charmed by life like only you know how.  Trust this.

Your brain will never fade, nor will your heart.  You can take them where you want them to be, as always just as much as you can let them rule you and lead you as they’re the part of yourself that will never let you down.  Trust yourself and your abilities at all times.  There are many books still waiting to be written by you and you must never stop as your destiny will take you further and beyond what you’ve ever dreamed off.  How can I say that to a person who’s already lived through very successful events of all kinds?  Well, I’m just reading the cards and the cards don’t lie on this.  I guess I understand why you don’t want to look at trouble if trouble is around you at times.  Your passion and commitment to writing is all that matters to you.  Yes I understand.  But please Lady Weldon, you must show that you care and if not for you, for the remainder of women like me who need an example as I said before.  You’re not alone Ms Weldon.  Don’t ignore us, please.

And where does the answer lie today?  When it comes to your wellbeing, forget the lead of your thoughts and concentrate on your heart and your emotions.  Go swim.  Go dive.  Go dream.  Let your subconscious take over and look after the people you care most for and it’ll go well.  Emphasise the calling of your heart and amplify it a thousand folds…  As I said, show you care, don’t give up on yourself whatever happens around you at the moment.  We’re all behind you, looking out for you and hoping you’d do the same for us.

As to your next story, it’ll be about a woman who feels lost and blind and who doesn’t know where life is taking her – it might be you – and not sure what direction she would want to take until she decides to sit down and behave like a queen – like the queen she’s never been and her life expands and she begins to have fun.  Not quite as funny this.  But no doubt that, with your ways of putting pen to paper, you’ll have us pee in our pants again.  Also, you don’t write just funny stuff, do you now?

Well Fay, I hope this was of any help and that you appreciate the fact that Feralbulb was locked up just in time before he did your reading.