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Dear Chris, Man,

Boy O boy haven’t I been looking forward to doing your reading.  I’ve been pining to do it but Rosie kept me from it ‘cause she knew I’d go kind o’ wild about it.  She’s tied up to her chair now.  So here it goes, Chrisso.

You’re born on 31 March 1943 and an Aries.

The first card shows that you ought to take a rest.  Decisions, decisions…  There are too many choices being offered to you and they all sound good and sometimes, even though it’s kind of ‘on a first in, first served basis’ with you in terms of your movie choices, there are times when you could afford to be a little picky.  To add to this, there’s your own work, what you want to do with directing, writing, etc.  You’ve accomplished much and there’s much more that you can and want to do.  Fair enough.  But this is a time of taking a step back and spending time with your beloved.  Let her guide you a little, Man.  She calms you.  She helps you see clearly.  Take a trip with her and forget about movies for one to three months.  Let it all brew for a little while.  Those who need you will wait.  What the hell?  You only live once.

Chris, it is indicated that your will, at this point in time, is to see through what you want to do and how you want to do it.  You’re seeking full independence and free reigns to express the numerous and rich ideas that you give birth to.  Your creativity is limitless and the energy you’re prepared to spend on your craft is nothing short of awesome.  Your intuition and keen observation skills guide you and there appears to be a need for you to find an outlet for all your ideas and energy.  I suggested you take a rest a minute ago and I maintain this because this is what will unblock the decision making as to where exactly you should be headed with your creative choices.

I can see that you’re able to look at all that you have achieved and that sometimes you love picking on some shows you’ve done – especially movies – and look at them again, for the sheer God damn fun of it.  However, this looking back and turning inward stops you from seeing the bigger picture.  Possibly, you’re worried to take the wrong path in some way.  How can you be, Man, with all that you’ve achieved?  How can you even consider not taking the right path when you’ve been on ‘the same old, same old’ God damn successful path all your life?  And if you did take that unusual, not-so-rewarding path for once, so what?  If you’re considering how to spend your accumulated earnings and that this is what is worrying you too, then I suggest you could do well getting rid of all the zoos of the world and invest your money for each orphaned and destitute zoo inhabitant that isn’t human (and that includes elephants, lions, shitzus, etc.) to be looked after by poor families whom you’d generously dot on too.

Now, what did I tell you, Mr. Walken?  What is it that I suggested you should do?  Rest, sleep, peace & quiet.  Understood?  Sorry for the fucking insistence but you’re not wanting to listen to me.  Do you want me to get Rosie to tell you it?  Is this what you really want me to do, huh?  NO!  See, at least I listen to you and take good care of you.  Ok, travelling means you won’t be able to rest, I hear you.  But look, frankly, it’s not just your body that you should look after, but your brain, your mind.  I thought I’d made that clear earlier?  All righty, if I didn’t, then now is the time to take stock and listen to me.  Go away please, will you?

It is clearly shown that your early life was never close to anything you’ve lived so far, that your Mum & Dad had nothing to do with your creativity except perhaps for their encouraging you to do what you loved doing and this is the most fortunate thing parents can do for their kids, isn’t it?  Yeah.  I hate sentimentality too but just to make a point and for those like you to be grateful for having had families who respect their children’s wants.  Right.  Next.

Now is not the time to keep things inside.  Say it and say it out loud, whatever it is you feel like saying because by saying anything, just any-fucking-thing, will lead you to where you want to be headed without blinkers, because to you, words sound just like they’re told – when told spontaneously – and there’s nothing more you dislike than leading yourself astray and not know where the path might lead.  You’re funny, Mr. Walker-doodeldoo.  I repeat for the last time: to understand yourself, swallow the world (more or less quoting from Salman Rushdie).  Understood?

Look, most of the scum sucking mother fucker’s bad stuff is either behind you or you’ve never really had to deal with it.  If there was such stuff in your life, then your accountants and lawyers handled it to a perfect tee and you needn’t worry.  Therefore, I repeat: you can unleash your creativity and be yourself without any fear of any form of retaliation.  Be a child.  Draw from your wild inner child, like you’ve always done and write and direct.  One card here insists on you writing to your heart’s desire and not to listen to any trusted advisors as to where you want to take your craft because it is dead pan, contemporary and people all over the world will love you for it and that includes me – possibly Rosie too.

Lastly, please, Mate, do listen to your partner.  She too can help nurture and unleash your wild inner child and make him do all that it wants to do by knowing where to start and where to end, not to mention where to lead and manage the parts in between start and finish.  There is abundance and it is advised to mix business and pleasure by going places, mixing comfort and nature.  Either your partner has much cultural backlog to upload onto you and/or your feminine side urges you to listen to your needs and to me.  That’s you told now.

Your next writing and directing your own movie – being within the next two years – will come as a surprise to all your followers as you’ll produce an extremely intellectual piece of writing, a jewel, a diamond in the rough, which will not involve incessant bloody shootings, psychopathic psychic nerds, nor fun rude words and one liners for all to repeat.  It’ll probably be some play which will be turned into a movie, a play with far reaching implications and thought provoking make-up as it might probably have war as a theme, refugees who must adapt to new countries – here the US – and it’ll be epic.  The world needs an epic.  Thanks for bringing this to us, Mr. Walken.

Mr. Walken, Mate, your modesty is legendary, no shit, and I look forward to the next Oscars when a lifestyle achievement will be delivered to you for all that you have brought as enrichment to the industry and will continue bringing.  And if it isn’t the Oscars, God dammit, then it’ll be some better award from another source as we, the general public, can see clearly who’s doing what and how well.

Now, as customary, and to conclude this reading, please do not hesitate to send Rosie & I a ticket to your next show – once you come back from your holidays – it’d be a great honour to see you live and/or your next play.

Good Day Chris, Man.