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Howdy Folks!

To keep abreast of crazy, fun and original performers, we today welcome Lady Gaga, born Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, on 28 March 1986, an Aries.  Rosie didn’t want to know about this reading at all, hates anyone out of this world who is bold, charismatic, original and overly artistic.  What can you do?  Such are quantum psychic particles physicists: pedantic, full of themselves, pretentious, grow old before their time, never have children, end up as bitter spinsters and—

–           —Feralbulb!  All I’m asking is for you not to generalise like this.  I may be a childless spinster, a bitter old bitch and a fucking ice queen but don’t you dare putting my colleagues in the same boat!

–           Err.  Fine, Sis!  Well, see how you can make one admit to their ridiculous ways and twist the knife in a little?  This is fun.  But here comes the real fun with the reading:

Dear Joanne-of-La-Gaga,

Currently, it is bedlam for you.  Nothing is working the way it should and if I’m not mistaken, you ought to give a second look at your relationship and see if you could salvage it from the wild winds that roam the planet.  It is not the end of you as a singer, no, no, this isn’t what I mean.  It’s just that you’re going through a bad patch, that it is affecting your health and your working schedule commands you to take a break and rest.  You will recover quickly, but you may look again at what you eat, your vitamin intake and your gruelling dancing/exercise schedule.  You’re one of the best, we all know this and we don’t need you to try harder than anyone else to prove it to us.  Look after yourself so we not only can enjoy your performances but you too can enjoy the time you spend performing.  What’s that?  Sorry, what did I say about your relationship?  Hmm.  Look, not sure and I don’t like to be unethical – just as hard as I try to be ethical most of times but fuck it! –on some occasions such as these, I feel it’s best to lay the bare truth out:  you’re being sick is a direct consequence of what is going on with your man at the moment and you don’t fool me: no need to drown yourself in work to forgive and forget.  Take a rest and resolve your issues one way or another: stick with him if you can or chuck him out.  You’re right on one thing for sure: you need to talk to someone and/or relieve yourself from how you’re feeling and not let sad thoughts get the better of you because there’s work to do.  Take good care of yourself Angelina-of-all-things-fun-in-heaven, will you now?J

It seems that it is in your nature to manage the sad bits in life by shoving them under the carpet in order to move on with the happy stuff and not be caught into a sad train of thoughts.  Your creativity forces you to move on, and on, and on, and on….  Can you stop and take a break?  You may be young, but even a young body and its accompanying grey matter need looked after.  Listen, Miss Germanitor, you’re no Terminator and your body can’t function in a robot like way you can only match in your wildest dreams.  So please, Miss, don’t ignore your subconscious – yes, yes, I know, you use the sad bits in your life by transcending them and draw your creativity from them… such are artists, priests and dentists.

Your hopes and wishes are nothing short of totally immodest and grandiose and I, most probably we, are not only eternally grateful for it and love you for it, forever and ever and ever, yes Gaga Ma’am.  Your ideas of entertainment at all levels are inspiring and derive their creativity from the genius that you are.  But enough of the slobbering and sucking up to you Queen-Bee, you are reminded that for anything gained, something’s lost.  Still, this doesn’t mean that you ought to conclude a pact with any deity which involves you getting what you want on the condition that you give up something.  That’s too Christian a pact, it’s based on guilt and in your case, guilt for having it all, for the fear of letting success get to your head.  Your generosity is legendary and you don’t need to enter into any agreement with God or whatever entity to barter over your life.  Read ‘Faust’ if you must, but trust your life as it is.

Looking at where you come from, I think it’s interesting that your life never appeared to have been straight, i.e. it’s been on the move and has changed constantly up until now, not that the changes have stopped but you are in a steady career path now which wasn’t the case earlier on in your life.  In fact, looking at you first ten years on the planet, I’m surprised at the impressive, if not destabilising, events you’ve had to go through and come out of it rather unscathed, a successful and beautiful human being who loves what she does and creative to extremes.  There is a man close to you, who, even if he won’t show it, will grow closer to you if he hasn’t already.  It’s your Dad, I think, and if he hasn’t always agreed with and/or supported what you’ve done, he soon will.  He will tell you how he loved the arts and what you do one day; it’s just that he had to smother his own burgeoning ambitions as an artist early on because then, you simply couldn’t do this.  He is more spiritual than he appears and you will discover more of him as time goes on, you’ll see.

When you feel better, if not already now, you will need to tackle the beast by the balls and get working to satisfy your fans and yourself and finish off what you began, be it recording, touring, or pinning down new ideas.  You know you won’t have time to heal your heart of whatever sorrow it may be feeling but you also know that once you’ve achieved your current tasks, you will need to take a well-deserved rest and twitter your fans that all you’re doing is sleeping your time off and could they go check that your charities are well run and could they help those in needs more instead of following your every move, just for once if not twice?

On another note, please remember that nothing needs done in black & white sort of way, the ‘cold butt way’ and that you can leave organising to the organiser and concentrate on your imagination and sheer desire to create.  Let the dance managers manage you and only interfere when you wish your own moves or style incorporated, otherwise let go of the temptation to control.  Write your songs, write the scripts of your videos when necessary and look for new talents to accompany you on your tours/performances but let everything else to those who wish to be part of your team, trust them; that way, you’ll not only concentrate on letting your creativity find its own path (not that it hasn’t already, you know what I mean), but you’ll also get a rest while working your magic.

Lastly, and I’m not sure why I have to say this but the cards are asking me to emphasise this point: ignore all that is conventional and that compels you to do things you don’t want to do (have you ever? Duh!  Fucking cards… or is it me?) and don’t be scared of letting go of more of your funds to the charities of your choice – but bear in mind you do need to keep a little check at times – if not to check on the people who manage it, at least for your own peace of mind by knowing that the funds are reaching those who truly need it.

Your next album and/or video clip will feature you as an all-powerful angel who comes down to earth giving up her (angel as women, I agree on that, to the exception of Bob Geldof and Iron Man III) angelhood forever in order to mix with humans and do her good deeds.  She’ll bring peace wherever she lands and this will bring her to feel misery as she’ll despair of not having been able to help those who don’t live within her vicinity and as she’ll realise earth would need many angels to get it out of all its troubles.  A hauntingly beautiful song and video it’ll be… Exaggerated, full on and just like we luv’em.

This is it for today, Missa Gagadom.  I’d love it if you visited us in Geneva and packed up a new Olympic size stadium they’d have to build.  Yeah.  That’ll be the day.  Well then, just send us a ticket please, for whatever destination it might be and I’ll be sure to be there.