Today, I’ve locked me mad sister in the bathroom – yeah, I did pour a nice rose-pepper scented bath for her to calm her nerves when she’s finished her insulting rant and her yelling. Can you hear her?
– YOU MUGGLE FUCKER, BRO!
– Did you hear that? “Muggle fucker”? and believe me, coming from me sister, it’s an understatement. Don’t worry, she didn’t invent this little gem, she’s merely quoting the winner from one of Chuck Wendig’s weekly competitions. And all this palaver because she was the one insisting on reading for Ms Joanne Kathleen Rowling, born 31 July 1965, a Virgo. Honestly, I couldn’t let her do it. C’mon, you’ve got to agree with me on that one: what fun would there be in the reading (say in any reading if Rosie did it on stage and she’s tried before)? She’s got no humour, no passion and does it all in the name of ethics; can’t even invent fucking proper insults, da poor sod. Yeah, all right, she’s good with private readings but we can’t let her do her bits here, right?
Anyways, t’was about time your name appeared on this blog Mrs Rowling, wasn’t it? Here’s your reading, avoiding your private life as we know how important this is to you. See? I can show some respect now and again Dude? Sorry, I meant Ma’am?
Currently, your influences are appearing as being their usual ones: bright, shiny and of all things successfully contractual and financially creative. Did I just say ‘financially creative?’ I guess you and your accountant would know what I mean by that.
So for now, Mrs Growling, I recommend that you keep your independence at the forefront of your mind as you are about to strike new deals for a new series of books and, as usual, you don’t want anyone to dictate how things should develop nor be done as only you know best. Yeah, it’s tiring, exhausting and where can you find the time to live-a-life-to-life? You tell me, because even as one of your trusted and invisible advisor, this is a fucking hard one to pull off.
All right, all right. I’ll try, promise. Look, I think you need to let your inner child and spirit roam freely as it has always done. Don’t try to tame your curiosity, it’s insatiable. Tinker and tackle your ideas and inspiration as they deserve. Please, (and I’m saying please), don’t let them being controlled and managed by cold hard men clocking your every move and counting your every word. There’s still plenty of freshness coming out of your imaginary worlds, let the world have it, not the business men.
Aaah. Family. Sure. You could give it all up for the love of your family. It’s overwhelming at times. Part-time is the way to go. You could very well do this if you tried a little harder and if you’re not already doing it. It’s funny, you’re afraid of both: your own unending creativity as well as the deep feelings for your family which could almost – and I insist – almost could make you stop the writing from one day to the next just to lead a simpler life.
Mrs Row-bling-a-bling, how could it be that you may wish for people not to suck up to you that much? Wish for a few ill placed and misguided words of misfortune? You might have come to the right place, you know and I know where you’re coming from: all those people wishing for a glimpse of you, of your words and of your magic pen and pout; all of them wanting to spread the news: ‘I’ve met Joanne Plotter of the Ever-Potter-Land, the one who… she was so nice, so perfect. She’s a Saint.’ You’re not? I know you’re not, welcome to my world, Mrs Rowlingual and I promise, I never uttered the “Muggle fuckers!” parts, Rosie did, as I said before. I suggest you insult people in the audience at times and see if they come up with some decent answers… not unlike Bruce Willis’ challenging – and o so hilarious – behaviour at times, in front of the cameras. Good on you, Brucey, good on you! You can do it too, Ma’am, believe me, yes you can.
Seeing and perusing your past, it is clear that there were the regular ups and downs of an earlier life reasonably happy but never quite there as you’re there now. Your life is one of trips and journeys of all kinds ever since you met Mr Christopher Little, that amazing character that appeared out of nowhere, even before your first book was published. Me belief is that your creativity and imagination arises from a long line of Celtic voodoo druidic tale-tellers. This is the only possible esoterically explanation I can provide for your interplanetary and interstellar rise to being who you are, yes Ma’am.
Ok, so now you are required to spend more time home just like you wish. However, you need and will have to fight for it. C’mon, it’s not that difficult. Protecting your family and privacy isn’t that hard. You’re used to it so don’t let anyone try and change things around even if you’re tired of the fighting and ridiculous arguments you may be presented with just for ‘a minute of your precious time.’ Don’t, no need to, right Joanne-of-Stone?
Oh Ma’am, you have your wishes granted all along: you wish for change? Granted. You wish for a trip and stepping into the unknown? Granted. You wish to travel with your family and sing to the world more stories of yours? Granted. All this by the click of a couple of fingers. Let go of old patterns and ways you’re tired of. I know you know too much. Take a break, rest and then let your hair down and bring all those changes you wish to bring to your life. I support you in all your endeavours, Mrs Ran-tan-plan. Listen to the drums’ beat and do what you want.
Easier said than done, yeah well, I know: here we go again. Well, let me suggest how if you don’t know already, Ma’am: get a make-up artist and some costume designer to create an entirely different character for you to fit in, and then get Sir Cameron to grant you the famous British secret agent status, with all that this entails: new passport, new name, new chauffeur, new car and new castle, more or less. That way you can travel perfectly incognito. All right, I’ll tone down my sarcasms but you get what I’m trying to say here, Joanne-of-da-Dursley-Dudes?
Well, that’s it for today. I hope this reading was of some help to you, Mrs Rowling, and I look forward to reading your next book, the one with a feminist touch where a lion taming Cinderella refuses to marry a Prince as he tries to manipulate her emotions into loving him.